Chapter 15: Too close. Too far.

The winter was here, chilled mornings made everybody feel the need of warmth. And for those in love, that longing for a warm cuddle was an obvious feeling.

Juvin was back to mumbai to live with his parents. They kept him from going out of the house for some reason or the other. It was like all the freedom he had was lost. He often discussed this rather disturbing change with Peter. Peter would or rather could only console Juvin. They were both too young to live by themselves cut off from family and the other superficial bonds.

The restrictions laid upon Juvin by his family were pushing him to look for jobs outside the city. So he could live his partially independent life again. He was thinking of Delhi as his first option and then maybe bangalore. He didn't know how to put this across to Peter. Peter would often discuss how they would make it all work now that they were in the same city. They met almost every evening. They both loved this feeling, at any time if one was too happy or too sad or just wanted to see the others face, it was possible for them to meet.

Juvin found relief in the fact that peter wanted to make their lives better. But that was an eventual outcome like a 5 year plan which would result in them moving-in together. But what Juvin desired was an immediate action. He often gloomed over the thought of how Peter would react if he decides to take this step alone.

They say in love, we put the other person's feelings before our own. But could this be done at the cost of one's own happiness. It shouldn't be the case. Juvin finally broke his silence and they decided it was best for him to live in Delhi. To Juvin's surprise peter had taken this situation very bravely. He did not break down nor did he whine about how it will work out being in a long distance relationship again.

He was certain they would make it work. For them. For their tomorrow. Together.

Chapter 14: Cancion Del Amor

...but then the very next moment there was sudden silence in the air, even the breeze had stopped for a few minutes. Some nature lover had fixed a fallen trunk close to the edge so one could sit and watch over the lake, the mountains and the sunset. The moment James saw the log he said pointing out at it, " I think we have enough wood for the campfire, how about we sit there for a while and watch the sunset."? Veron smiled he couldn't resist but say, "Romantic, isn't it?" James punched Veron's arm and exclaimed, "Jerk!"

There was a lot going on in Veron's mind, he was attracted to James in all aspects he could think of, mentally, emotionally, physically, he always felt happy around him. They both enjoyed each other's company, he was well aware of James' sexuality but was confused if what he felt for him was love or just a friendly feeling. While Veron sat there with a oddly confused face, James was lost in the moment. It was perfect, Veron and him, watching the sun set across the mountains far away as the lake reflected the changing colors of the sky.

" Who are we? " said a rather baffled Veron, "we blend into your social group without any efforts. It's like we are.. We are..." James took the moment and whispered"lovers.", a little baffled, a little happy, a little contended at heart Veron gave an affirmative nod. This was the first time Veron was all rosy cheeks.

James leaned forward and gave Veron a peck. Their first peck ever. "I have something planned for you, now you've only made it easier for me.", said James with excitement. Veron was puzzled it was like his concern was answered prematurely. James held Veron's hand and pulled him. "Vamos! Amore! Vamos!"

They reached the camp site, all the three tents were up one for each couple, with an empty center space for the campfire. Veron and James quickly arranged the wood. And lit up a few pieces as it was starting to get dark and cold. Melissa and Louis were sitting outside their tent on a log of wood with beer cans in hand and they seemed to be having a serious conversation, maybe their future together, Veron guessed. While all this Ashley and his guy were inside their tent minding their own business.

Soon after it was dark, they all sat by the campfire enjoying their drinks and eating all the heavy snacks they had got along with them. Everyone except Veron disclosed plans about their future that involved traveling to another city either for further education or to pursue their careers. Louis said he was going to have to hop between cities every month once he took over his dad's business. Melissa wanted to go Delhi for her masters. Ashley and Ron confirmed they would move to a different city together. The chats continued until there was silence in the air again.

To break this silence, James cleared his throat loudly as if to catch everyone's attention. "Dont just sit there, grab your instruments!" Excited, Melissa got her bongo drums, just as excellent as she played the drums, she wooed her guy by belly dancing to its beats by asking him to play it for her. But this time she was just going to play the beats as instructed by James, The gay couple weren't into playing music as much as they were into listening to it, but Ash held a Tambourine in hand. And James with his beloved guitar in hand sat at an angle next to Veron just so he could see him while he played. They started with a soft melody that blended just right with the whispering wind blowing through the forest.

They all were enjoying it, the calmness, the breeze, the subtle warmth of the fire. As their melody progressed it kept on getting faster, there was an unmatched excitement on James face as he gazed at Veron. Veron was as always loving whatever James played. But he stopped playing, looked at Veron and said, this song is just for you.

James sang a queer rendition of "Me Enamore" By Antony Santos. It was the perfect song to describe how they felt for each other. They didn't know how it happened. They didn't know when it happened. All they knew that it had happened.

"me enamore 

me enamore 

y yo no se 

ni como fue 

me enamore 

me enamore 

y yo no se 

ni como fue 

ay mama ay mami que hago yo en 

esta vida asi si ay mi amigo digame 

usted ay que sera de mi"

Veron was stunned when James ended the song with " I dont know if you feel the same way too, but i do love you." Everyone was awstruck, they had broken into silence again, Ash, Ron, Melissa and Louis were looking at Veron, he didnt move, he smiled as he felt his heart beat race against time. After he had soaked in all the warmth that his heart felt for the first time, he murmured, " I do too." He had never been the kind of a guy who would say those words so easy, this time however strongly he wanted to say it to James he was too shy to say it out loud and in front of the others. They continued to sing other songs, laugh, eat and love, until the fire was out and the stars above shined bright. The other two couples went inside for a nap while James and Veron layed in the grass looking at the shimmering lights. Veron expresses how happy he was and finally uttered the "Three golden words" that James was waiting to hear. James was relieved now that he knew the feeling was mutual. He got up kissed Veron's forehead and then they both went inside their tent to nap.

They all woke up at dawn, quickly gathered their stuff and descended to find their Jeep, and they were home by the afternoon.

Chapter 13: Don't change. Stay.

We get used to certain things so easily, we make these small things an intrinsic part of our day to day life. Its always easier to accept a pleasant change than something which is a bit of a course.

But if the path to change is effortful we accept the mundane. Love is no exception to this, Peter was in love again. This time with a student of fashion and technology, Juvin. Eccentricity was a part of Juvin's personality. For the early 2000s he was a lil to 2010. He could spot and name more than seven colors in a rainbow. There were seventeen shades of blue alone. He was obsessed with colors and detail. Everything had to be in place. Peter was  often intrigued by Juvin's behavior, he thought it was some kind of ocd.

It was three and a half months now that they were seeing each other. Juvin was about to graduate from his institution. Their lovely encounters at Juvin's hostel were about to end. That late night entry into the hostel. Sneaking in past midnight without waking up the night guard. Making love on the lower bunk while his roomie slept on the one above. 

And it was okay, if his roomie caught them in a scene. It was a perfectly homophilic environment and it made Peter comfortable. He wished that the world outside was like that too. But two men were not meant to be in the kind of love he shared with juvin or his previous love affairs. Like somebody has rightly quoted. "As a sociery we are more comfortable watching two men hold guns, than hold hands."

It was illegal for men to have sexual intercourse with other men. Where would love have its stand in such a state? It was better off to stay inside a room and be who he wanted to be rather than facing the harsh words of the world. But someday, just someday it would change, peter hoped for a change to happen in the society. Until then he was happy being inside the closet. 

On the other hand Peter was getting uncomfortable with the thought that Juvin was going to graduate and would possibly move to another city in search of a job. Peter wished he could follow but he couldn't leave home, his studies, for a love thats only a few months old. They were fighting for love. Over love. Over Juvin's plans to move to another city, perhaps eccentricity was the harsh reality that Peter had finally come to face.

The mind is weird it only accepts the change that it wants to.

Chapter 12: In the woods comes the breeze of change.

So on a bright Saturday morning Veron and James were on their way to their camping destination in a Jeep. Melissa was driving, her guy Louis sitting next to her and her gay brother Ashley with his guy Ron were seated in the trunk with Veron and James. This was the first time Veron was seeing Ashley’s better half as Ashley liked to call him, he studied in a different school. And Louis, well he had just finished his masters and was a wasted brat born to a rich father.

Veron could see the love vibes that Ash and Ron exchanged much like what he and James expressed he thought, he thought out loud, “ Do we look like a enviable gay couple too?” he asked James, James smiled, “ Couple? Would you like to be one amor?” and he laughed away not revealing the slightest of what he had in mind for the evening.

“You two would make a better couple than us! Certainly a one to look up to!” giggled Ron, he had heard stories about them from Ash. “Ash has one big mouth doesn’t he!” replied Veron, for the first time was feeling the urge to define his relationship with James, yes they were good friends but there was certainly more than just friendship between them.  All this while Melissa and Louis remained lost in their own world as if there weren’t any of the others in the trunk.

They reached the destination at noon, parked the jeep at the foot of the mountain, had some brunch sitting alongside and then quickly began to ascend. They were carrying all the things they needed, vessels to cook dinner at night, beer crates, tents, sleeping bags and all their musical instruments. They reached the pinnacle at around 1600 hours, Veron and James had made more than one trip trying to help others with getting the tents and instruments up.

Just before dusk they both set out to collect some dry wood. While the couples stayed back and made the tents. And made the place seem more like a campfire arrangement.

The pinnacle was vast covered with dense trees with a few open patches and surrounded by a beautiful valley, breeze shot up lil pieces of clouds that had wandered away too low, at a distance there was a huge fresh water lake one of its tributaries originating from the mountain they were on. “Its too late to go look for the reservoir right now, besides we have our bottled water with us, we shall find it in the morning to take a quick dip” said James even before Veron could ask. It was like they were connected inside, one knew what the other wanted or was thinking. But the very next moment…

Chapter 11: I killed my Valentine

Peter and his guy never went out for a valentine date, a few days later they ended up discussing what their friends did on D day. Peter seemed so thrilled while sharing those stories. His guy said, "I'm sorry I didn't take you out on Valentine's, our first valentine, we could have made memories worth a lifetime."

Peter calmly replied, "I already have a good one." 
His guy was taken aback he did not know what it was he asked what the memories were. It was Peters first valentine with Rene his first love.  he went on to describe the evening. It was nothing too fancy just exchanging chocolates in love and a few kisses at one of their friends place. The two couples did ball dance, dined over a perfectly decorated table, candles, food and a glass of wine.

Somehow Peter had accustomed himself to societal norms in those days. And he had no regrets.

His guy didn't know he ever had a girlfriend, he was baffled, he alleged Peter shouldn't have kept this a secret. Well peter never intended to keep it a secret, it just hadn't been brought up in conversation till that moment.

He flurred, he flung, he was hurt. He blamed Peter for it and abruptly ended whatever they had. Peter was left wondering if he killed his valentine for no reason. He wished he could plead not guilty, but he couldn't.

Why does love have to assume he knows it all? Turns out he can't take the blow when a never before spoken memory is revealed.

Chapter 10: Is there one love?

It can be deadly to be over optimistic, isn't it? To presume that love exists, that love will someday take the perfect form of a human and would be in your arms. To be sure that the love that you've found is the best that you deserve and that the world that comprises of your friends or so called well wishers wouldn't try to tear the smooth seams of your love and make it difficult for you to feel the soft touch of love ever again in the rest of your life.

Peter was being one such optimist, looking for that man, he had found himself one from one of those online gay dating sites- skinny, tall, good-lookin', photography freak would describe his guy aptly. They had spent long hours together gazing at the evening sky trying to behold what they saw in their eyes. It was always a different shade of blue, purple, pink or orange or a gradient.

His second love - after his DSLR camera- was his bike, he loved speed, and cutting through air was his kind of a thrill. He took peter on rides often. Weekend getaways to lonavla in the monsoon were the most romantic of these rides apart from the town rides on odd evenings. They didn't bother where they were, who was around, everything seemed so perfectly lovely. On a pre-valentine evening Peter's professor saw him on one of these romance city rides. Sea facing road, bike and someone who you want to hug made the scene look just too much more than obvious for Peter's professor.

When encountered two days later at college, Peter chose to smile and walk away leaving the sight seen open to interpretation. Peter never felt shy nor did he ever feel guilty about doing anything that the world would tag as 'hanky panky', though he was closeted he believed in expressing himself whenever needed without being conscious about who is watching. It was a way he was fighting for the love he had found. Love that he had no clue if it would stay or was just here for a short visit.

Loving someone is a continuous process and the chemistry you share is the catalyst to keep it going. Love this time had happened over a few cups of coffee, evening sky gazes and bike rides apart from shared interests like films, photography and the despair for cricket.

Often in love you don't know things about each other because you never had a chance to say those things. It’s for you to find out in all the time that you spend together. And if there are things that bother it’s time to rethink your decision, is your love really worth fighting for. Peter believed the worst of love was worth fighting for, lying for, walking the mile for, dying for. It’s only then that you do the crazy things you do. But his love did not think so. 

"Is it too much to ask
For a real love,
Something that'll last?
Is there one love,
Only once in a lifetime?
It's so hard to find,
The perfect one to call mine
Is there one love
Somebody that compliments me?
And makes me wanna never leave?
Made just right for me?
Is there one love, one love, one love, one love?"

Chapter 9: Hablemos De Amor

James had started taking Spanish lessons at the university he had a strong affinity to the language, he called it the language of love. He often greeted Veron as 'Amor'. Love, the word captured all the feelings that James had developed for Veron in the past few months.

The guitar lessons had brought both of them closer, Veron was also learning how to sing from a renowned singer and music director, this was just part of his new extracurricular amongst other things, they made a great team together, one strum the guitar chords and the other his vocal. They also performed at their college festival and received quite an appreciation.

Soon days turned into weeks and weeks into months, it was a winter evening when as usual they sat together sipping coffee in the balcony before they could go in for the guitar lessons. They knew each other’s life in and out now or so did it appear to Veron, but there was a secret side to James that Veron never knew about clearly. There were many instances where James wanted to talk about it but he was afraid of losing whatever they had.

Almost every day was spent together at Veron’s home, mostly talking about random things, there were times when Veron fell sick and James would come over cook dinner for both of them, waited till Veron fell asleep or his father returned late night - the latter rarely happened - and returned early morning to wake him up and make breakfast. James was taking care of his 'Amor' in the true sense. He cared.

This was their second winter together to be precise, together as pals. Some of James close friends had planned for a night out in a forest, these were the common set of friends James and Veron had cause James had already introduced his 'Amor' to all his friends. His friends insisted that James got his amor along for the camping trip. Together they all made one great musical group, everyone played some musical instrument or the other, at the trip they were planning to play some Brazilian tribal songs in the forest, they had been practising it now and then.

James only mentioned about the plan and Veron exclaimed. “So when are we going?" this is what attracted James towards him, he was always open to new things, new experiences. James calmly replied, " Next Saturday, and it’s going to be fun, our first outing together". Maybe James said too much at that moment, but Veron was used to such to-be-romantic remarks, he only smiled and walked towards the kitchen to put away the empty coffee mugs.