Chapter 10: Is there one love?

It can be deadly to be over optimistic, isn't it? To presume that love exists, that love will someday take the perfect form of a human and would be in your arms. To be sure that the love that you've found is the best that you deserve and that the world that comprises of your friends or so called well wishers wouldn't try to tear the smooth seams of your love and make it difficult for you to feel the soft touch of love ever again in the rest of your life.

Peter was being one such optimist, looking for that man, he had found himself one from one of those online gay dating sites- skinny, tall, good-lookin', photography freak would describe his guy aptly. They had spent long hours together gazing at the evening sky trying to behold what they saw in their eyes. It was always a different shade of blue, purple, pink or orange or a gradient.

His second love - after his DSLR camera- was his bike, he loved speed, and cutting through air was his kind of a thrill. He took peter on rides often. Weekend getaways to lonavla in the monsoon were the most romantic of these rides apart from the town rides on odd evenings. They didn't bother where they were, who was around, everything seemed so perfectly lovely. On a pre-valentine evening Peter's professor saw him on one of these romance city rides. Sea facing road, bike and someone who you want to hug made the scene look just too much more than obvious for Peter's professor.

When encountered two days later at college, Peter chose to smile and walk away leaving the sight seen open to interpretation. Peter never felt shy nor did he ever feel guilty about doing anything that the world would tag as 'hanky panky', though he was closeted he believed in expressing himself whenever needed without being conscious about who is watching. It was a way he was fighting for the love he had found. Love that he had no clue if it would stay or was just here for a short visit.

Loving someone is a continuous process and the chemistry you share is the catalyst to keep it going. Love this time had happened over a few cups of coffee, evening sky gazes and bike rides apart from shared interests like films, photography and the despair for cricket.

Often in love you don't know things about each other because you never had a chance to say those things. It’s for you to find out in all the time that you spend together. And if there are things that bother it’s time to rethink your decision, is your love really worth fighting for. Peter believed the worst of love was worth fighting for, lying for, walking the mile for, dying for. It’s only then that you do the crazy things you do. But his love did not think so. 

"Is it too much to ask
For a real love,
Something that'll last?
Is there one love,
Only once in a lifetime?
It's so hard to find,
The perfect one to call mine
Is there one love
Somebody that compliments me?
And makes me wanna never leave?
Made just right for me?
Is there one love, one love, one love, one love?"

Chapter 9: Hablemos De Amor

James had started taking Spanish lessons at the university he had a strong affinity to the language, he called it the language of love. He often greeted Veron as 'Amor'. Love, the word captured all the feelings that James had developed for Veron in the past few months.

The guitar lessons had brought both of them closer, Veron was also learning how to sing from a renowned singer and music director, this was just part of his new extracurricular amongst other things, they made a great team together, one strum the guitar chords and the other his vocal. They also performed at their college festival and received quite an appreciation.

Soon days turned into weeks and weeks into months, it was a winter evening when as usual they sat together sipping coffee in the balcony before they could go in for the guitar lessons. They knew each other’s life in and out now or so did it appear to Veron, but there was a secret side to James that Veron never knew about clearly. There were many instances where James wanted to talk about it but he was afraid of losing whatever they had.

Almost every day was spent together at Veron’s home, mostly talking about random things, there were times when Veron fell sick and James would come over cook dinner for both of them, waited till Veron fell asleep or his father returned late night - the latter rarely happened - and returned early morning to wake him up and make breakfast. James was taking care of his 'Amor' in the true sense. He cared.

This was their second winter together to be precise, together as pals. Some of James close friends had planned for a night out in a forest, these were the common set of friends James and Veron had cause James had already introduced his 'Amor' to all his friends. His friends insisted that James got his amor along for the camping trip. Together they all made one great musical group, everyone played some musical instrument or the other, at the trip they were planning to play some Brazilian tribal songs in the forest, they had been practising it now and then.

James only mentioned about the plan and Veron exclaimed. “So when are we going?" this is what attracted James towards him, he was always open to new things, new experiences. James calmly replied, " Next Saturday, and it’s going to be fun, our first outing together". Maybe James said too much at that moment, but Veron was used to such to-be-romantic remarks, he only smiled and walked towards the kitchen to put away the empty coffee mugs.

Chapter 08: A quantum man.

Peter was now in his second year of graduation his friends were all adventurous just like him. Adrenaline rush is what they craved for, scaling mountains and fortress, he was afraid of heights since childhood, but with these adventures he had learned to conquer his fears. They would search for the best places to visit in the season. 

On a cloudy day of September they decided to cool off by going to a waterfall on the outskirts of the city. The rains had been good that year, waterfalls was the best option to relax. An early train to reach there was the best to enjoy the ride through the fog on both sides that had just started to rise with the day light. It was like the whites were blending in between the blue and greens.

They reached zenith waterfalls at 10 am and it was already crowded with people from all around trying to enjoy underneath the waterfall. Peter was a lil disappointed he didn't like the sight and sound of so many people especially when he was looking for a peaceful time. There were/school and college kids, families, just too many people. But since they were there now and had nowhere else to go, they all dropped there bags under a tree and got into their shorts and entered the water.

Peter couldn't swim he smartly entered the shallow parts of the area under the waterfall and went to the rocks besides the falling current and sat. He was enjoying the cold water, watching his friends swim and act crazy trying to push each other under the current. Peter was lost in his observation, when his eyes captured a young wheatish lad walking across to him in the water looking eye to eye, peter was lost in the moment, he was busy admiring all the carved features the lads' body exhibited. A thin waist, muscular chest, manly arms, face of a young boy with rosy red cheeks from puberty, and grey eyes.

He stood before peter and said " is it deep down there?" in his not so fluent accent, it was clear he was from another state. Peter fumbled for he had not heard what the lad had spoken to him. Peter gave a blank look. The lad repeated. Peter said "Why don't you ask my friends who are there, I've just been sitting here all the while." "I can't speak the regional language can you ask them for me ?" "Sure.", replied Peter and did the needful. "Thanks!", said the lad and swam away into the deeper waters. The sun was soon soaring from the highest point.

Peter dipped into the water to splash with his friends, he could never swim, his hands and feet were just out of sync in order to make any rhythmic movement in water. But as a tradition whenever with his friends he would try and fail to swim, but he enjoyed the attempt every time. After a while he of wandering in the water and he sighted a cave on the other side of the falling current that could barely accommodate 3 people. He could also see that there was someone sitting there in the cave. He struggled across the falling current to reach the caves and noticed that it was the same lad sitting there at the caves, the lad was lost in thoughts but the sight of someone struggling across to reach the caves was a disturbingly distracting one. 

They exchanged a warm smile as soon as they saw each other, he also helped Peter to get onto the rocks to reach the cave. They did not exchange any words yet, peter was just plain dumbstruck and did not want to spoil the moment by saying something stupid. The loud sparkling water was blocking the place from the world as it fell.

Finally after a good amount of time the lad broke the ice, "Pretty serene it feels on this side of the waterfall doesn't it?" "Yes. it sure is." Peter replied politely.

And they continued the conversation further, with every piece of information about the lad received Peter was more and more mesmerized.

He was such a quantum man, Ebby, a marine engineering student at a nearby maritime institute, 18 years young, well spoken, a good swimmer, an attractive face to top it all off despite of the rosiness from puberty. He would grow up to be a fine man thought Peter.

They parted ways later that afternoon waving hands to bid goodbye until they were out of site, Peter's friends asked who he was waving at, "A friend" he replied. He knew he would never be seeing that boy again but he was contented to have met him and spoken. As much as Peter wished that he met the guy again he knew it would remain an unfulfilled wish. He got home and thought over about the same lad again, it was one of those days when you meet someone who seems just perfect and you also know that you may never see the person again. It was certain that Peter was going to remember him for a long time if not forever as, Ebby, the marine.

Chapter 07: Let me play you a song.

So Veron was slowly getting social again but not much he still preferred being at home. He was sixteen now, and he had already done things that he should never have until he was legally of age. He was finding pleasure in video games, football, and other things just to keep his mind off whatever wrong was happening in his life. He also started learning to play guitar, a guy from his college, a senior was teaching him, James.

At first sight James could never appear as a normal guy, he was always listening to songs on his walkman if he had nothing better to do, he was on the college football team that's how Veron and James became friends, Veron would watch James in the college music and arts room often playing some tune or the other, humming tunes, it looked like he was composing his own song. One day when Veron was in the music room talking to another friend James noticed that he was closely being heard by Veron.

As Veron's conversation with his friend ended James made a move and said "Hey! I could see your ears sharply listening to my tune."  Veron did not know what to say or that James was trying to flirt. He just said, "Well its interesting to watch cook up some different tunes." James asked if Veron would want to learn to play, Veron seemed interested but didn't reply.

Only a few weeks later, on one fine evening when Veron was sitting in his balcony sipping coffee and watching the people go and he spotted James come in his rugged jeans, oversized shirt and the guitar hung on his shoulder. He waved at Veron and was about to pass by when Veron called out, "James come over, time to start the lessons." James gave away a bright smile. Veron made more coffee, he offered him some and had more himself. He asked James to play his latest composition while he sipped coffee. Veron as always, was mesmerized.

They later got to the tutorials, usually James wouldn't let anyone play his guitar but for Veron he had to make an exception and he did not hesitate it. Veron was excited to have learnt some basic rifts on the first evening itself. It was almost dinner time till then and his dad had already called to inform that he was going to come home post midnight. So Veron was going to make himself a sandwich, he asked James if he would like one too and he insisted that he had one before he left.

They spoke about football and other men stuff over the sandwich, Veron asked when would he come again to teach him more. "We can make this a daily thing if you like, except for when we have football practice." Veron nodded in affirmation and thanked him for the day. They bid goodbye for the night...

Chapter 06: Getting a grip.

Finally peter was getting a grip on his life he was doing everything he wished to, learn, earn and love.

Doing his bachelor's degree in computers, this decision was rather taken randomly and uncalculated, but he was sailing through it well, he also realized he was good with using and abusing softwares, smartly he collided his artsy side with where he was going, he freelanced any kind of design work that came his way. It was helping him save money for his future and also for the lil treats now and then. He was a doodler! He even designed a jersey and logo for his class football team he was forcefully a part of. He prefered watching any game than playing it out in the sun. He wasn't much of an athlete, not a good runner at all, and his hands to vision coordination was almost not there while catching a ball. He wouldn't be ashamed of it, he laughed about it instead. His friends excluded him from cricket and made him the goalkeeper in football, he was the ultimate goalee they said.

Peter reconnected with Rene over internet. they had their closure, they both agreed. But they both again thought they really didn't need to, it was a silly attraction they concluded, they laughed. This time they were really connecting together but to avoid any undue consequences he decided to tell her about his tastes. He wasn't sure of how to put his feelings in words, he was concerned of how she would feel to find out that her first boyfriend is gay and had always been that even before they met.

He gathered all the courage and asked her to meet over coffee, she had a clue that something was wrong and lingering in his mind and that he wanted to let out. They met at a coffee shop at Dadar, she didn't hesitate being seen on a coffee date in her vicinity, they were just a few blocks away from her home. She was a bold girl for one! Well the coffee was accompanied by just random talks and memories from before, she could sense he was getting comfortable as time was passing by. You're beautiful by James blunt was playing in the background and suddenly, Peter looked nervous, Rene asked "Are you alright?", "Yes" he replied and continued "do you hear that song? It reminds me of someone." he stopped. She sensed he wasn't liking it there anymore she asked "Do you wanna go outside?". He got up promptly and they walked towards the sea, sat by the seashore watching the waves hit the rocks over and over again.

She broke that awkward silence, "You can tell me." Peter wanted to and he did, he told her he was gay and how it all began for him, how he didn't want to change just to fit in, his first love affair, how it wasn't his intention fall in puppy love with her. She was shaken for a while, again it was sheer silence, Peter's heart raced faster with every wave hitting the rocks and every glance at Rene.

She smiled after a while, said it was okay. She didn't find it obnoxious either, she asked for details about his love affair, Peter was overwhelmed to share his life and feelings. She teased him with chehon's name just to watch him blush. She cared. It was late in the evening now, he dropped her home and bid adieu to meet again, he was contented as this was the first time he ever came out to anyone. He was finally learning to express his feelings.

Chapter 05: Winds of change.

The next year Peter lost his father in an accident. He realized he had to be the man of the house soon, support his mother in the coming years, until then his old bachelor paternal uncle would be there to support them around. He wasn’t sure what he was going to be, he didn’t have a plan yet. But given by his sane state of mind, it was clear he would get somewhere at a better place. 

“There was a time
I used to look into my father's eyes.
In a happy home
I was a king, I had a gold throne.
Those days are gone,
Now the memory's on the wall.”

Yes those King days were gone, not completely though, the fear of not being able to satisfy the role haunted his mind, his mother sensed it and asked him not to worry about it as yet. He felt that sixteen years of his life were not enough to have known his father and now he wouldn’t have a chance at that. 

He had lost another man in his life, this time forever. Father’s love was now only to be heard from his friends. Though he repented about the loss it was just because he knew his mother was sad, he never admired his father for his occasional obscure behavior, all the alcohol, violence at home, that sure had come to an end. But it was like a vacuum now, he felt a strange voidness at home. A feeling he wished would soon go away.

Chapter 04: The man to envy at.

Meanwhile in another part of the city Veron was growing up, just a year and half younger to Peter. Veron's life was pretty easy, hard earning parents, an elder sibling who had already moved out of their parents house as soon as he started earning, he was loved more ever since his brother went away, over loved maybe, just enough to be a spoilt brat.

Veron's ideas of love were different, love was the most selfless act he believed. He knew his parents loved both of them equally even though one of them had moved out now. They respected their decisions, offcourse Veron was too young and naïve at that moment to be taking decisions. He was aware of that. But when the. time was right he knew his parents would support him for the better.

He wasn't socially awkward at all, rather careless, in his world he lived like a prince, he got all the more social as he started studying in college, clubbing, alcohol, a few drug abuses now and then followed, money came easy to him, and he had found friends of the same caliber, wasted teenagers, if you may call them. Oh and when I say prince, its because Veron was the prince charming every girl would want to date, fall in love with, and have a happily ever after moment. And they did get their chance, he wouldn't hesitate to taste new waters every other season, he knew there was someone else out there waiting, always. Now this wasn't his fault, he was just a victim of favorable circumstances. Let's not judge him for that. 

He did not believe in lingering for love, if it was over or he did not feel it, he let the doors open for it to go, and someone new to walk in with fresh love. Neither did he believe in chaining down people and their emotions in the name of love. "If you love someone set them free, love comes with no guarantee." he would tell his teen friends. Utterly romantic in all queer ways, he would take his girlfriends to the beach and smoked weed while watching the sunset, yes it was romantic. They loved him for that. His unsual romances were frequent and continous.

A fan of football and tennis and punkrock music, he was a sport enthusiast, striker in the school football team, was learning the violin as a hobby, he did well academically so far, his family was proud of him. They boasted about him whenever they had an opportunity too, he remained humble though. He wasn't an attention seeker, he did not have to seek attention, he always got all the necessary attention. He had his ways.

Chapter 03: You can puppy love.

Until one day when he realized there was a girl in his 9th grade tutorials who would look at him and give him a cute smile. Peter had noticed that most of his friends from school now had girlfriends from the coaching class batch, ofcourse they studied in a boys school where else could they fetch girls?

His friend Stephen was the luckiest of all because he was dating the sassiest of all the girls, short shoulder length hair, high heels, mini skirt, that’s how she would dress up more often. And I should mention she carried it well, the way she walked on the street was bold and perfect not bothered as to how many were looking her way, because she knew she was turning enough heads around. Now she wasn’t the only girl Peter adored. Rene, Green eyes, fair skin and dark brown hair, oh and she looked so pretty in her greens, it made her green eyes more evident.

Peter had always wanted to tell her how pretty she looked in the greens but he was a shy kid, 14, out of a same sex love affair, he did not want to fall for a girl and question his own sexual interests. He was pretty content of what he was and never bothered to try and fit in.

One night while on his way back from classes with Stephen and his girl, Angela. They got into a conversation that made them realize that all the boys from his school who were at the classes had girlfriends now and how Peter was the only one left out, Angela was quick, even before Peter could change the topic she asked if he liked any girl in the batch.

Like a girl? Really Peter had never thought of that much, but something went wrong in his mind and he nodded to approval. She got curious to know who it was, Peter thought this would be a good channel to let Rene know she is pretty, he uttered “Well, Rene is a pretty girl”. But then he made them promise that they would keep this to themselves and not let Rene know that he had said any such thing. They parted ways for the evening, he was happy he had let his emotions out, he went back with a smile on his face.

Next day at classes, he entered with a fresh mind they all took their usual seats, usually at some moment Rene would look back at Peter and smile but today she just didn’t he couldn’t help but notice that she was kind of avoiding to look his way even if she looked back. He convinced himself that she must be in a bad mood or something. Later as usual he was heading home with Stephen and Angela. There was no conversation at first, Peter noticed a different smile on Angela that she wanted to say something. He broke the silence and asked what was the matter with her, he told her what he noticed, she bursted out laughing and stopped to say “You want her, don’t you?”

Well Peter wasn’t sure of what he wanted at the moment, he smiled, remained silent and looked away. Angela continued saying, “She likes you, I told her that you find her pretty.” Peter was taken by surprise his heart started beating a lil faster than ever, he jumped in the air on the middle of the road with joy. It was all involuntary, emotions were flowing in his veins he could feel it.


Oh the rush!

Next day Angela formally introduced Peter and Rene after class as both of them were shy to speak up and thus began their puppy love story. Late night calls, leaving a text on his father’s cellphone to call back. It wasnt the technologically boomed era yet, and it was way sweeter leaving notes with friends to pass on to your lover. A walk to drop her home, just enough to miss the eyes of her father.

The first valentine, oh they both bought each other chocolates, He offered her the cuter ones, small little chocolates stuck on a cardboard cutout like a heart. It was wonderful, magical, beautiful. They celebrated valentines at Angela’s place as her parents were out celebrating their valentines.

Now, It was almost the end of the academic year, nobody was sure where they would be next year, uncertainty lingered on everyone's mind. The ones who were determined stayed in touch, for some unknown reason however Peter and Rene parted ways after the academic year was over. Was she just playing around with Peter? Wasn’t one man to man affair enough to think about? Now he had a man to woman love affair he could ponder upon. Life, continues.

Chapter 02: The woman inside

Wasn’t her 'love situation' to envy at, hold on to your breath because she is a man, no not a trans-man! a complete biological man, Peter.

Peter grew up in Mumbai with his family, his father and mother-dearest loved Peter for all the little things he was as a child in his small little world. Protected by their nurturing envelope he didn’t have a thing to worry about. 

They did not have the slightest clue that their son was different, why he wasn’t interested in sports just as his friends, why he would stay away from all the fuss and rather put his imaginary people and world on paper. Well lil’ Peter wasn’t aware of what he was himself. 

All his different interests just seemed to be a part of his behavior to his family and friends. Oh he was socially awkward as a child. He has always been a dreamer, lost in thoughts, painting some beautiful images of reality. 

He was often bullied by his friends, he did have some close friends in his vicinity. School was no different, his mates at school would point fingers at him for being clumsy, oh you should have seen him play cricket, when he did for the sake of it.

He reached 8^th Grade and he was on his verge of reaching puberty, he was starting to become a man. He would often discuss all his feature enhancements that had happened with his closest friend Chehon. They shared all their secrets but Chehon had some secret experiences he was going through lately, one fine evening Chehon decided to tell peter about his puberty experiences, he was involved in homosexual activities with some other common friend of theirs. Peter got curious to know it, didn’t sound like a sin to him. 

Chehon continued to tell Peter how Swarnil – a boy a year or two older than them - had lured him into doing some blazing fun. He described the entire sin of adolescence and confessed that he had enjoyed the act and further asked Peter if he would be interested in giving it a shot. Peter didn’t express any hesitation and approved to perform the sin with Chehon. Apparently there was a strong latent attraction in Peters’ mind for Chehon, which had just been reciprocated.

After the first time they indulged in the act which could not be exactly called sex, they did not speak to each other for a week, there was an awkward flow of emotions in Peters’ mind. Of what he had known you were suppose to sin with the one you love, only. He wasn’t in love with Chehon or was he, he wasn’t sure of that yet. He was too young to know what love is.

Things went back to normal in a few weeks and now they sinned every other week when either of their parents were not home, they even sinned at school once, just because Peter insisted. He had found a sport to play at school and it was only meant for the two of them Peter was getting to know his wilder side. 

They knew the act was their exclusive ritual. No one had to know, until one day when Swarnil spread the word among friends that Peter and Chehon were homos and that he had seen them kiss while watching the sunset seated on the higher water tank of their building.

Oh how embarrassing it was for them, Chehon being the more of the sports guy eventually mingled with the lot, he was made fun of but eventually accepted. On the other hand Peter took all the blame on him, distance grew them apart, but Chehon stood up to the other friends and tried to make Peters life better. Whenever Chehon stood up for him, the others called them lovers and made fun. Peter was in love, Chehon had moved on and called it a phase. Peter decided to stay where he was, eventually he grew distant from Chehon and his other friends.

He began reading stuff about the preference Chehon called ‘a phase’, he realized it was only natural for a man to be attracted to another man. He blamed it on his dominant X chromosome which forgot to duplicate and turn him into a woman at birth. Nevertheless he was born as a fine man, who accepted himself for what he was, and was awaiting for acceptance by the others.

He found it completely natural to feel like a woman sometimes, stereotypically speaking, to want a man by his side, to lie down listening to his heartbeat, to watch the sunset with him, talk about life with him as if he had all of it figured out himself. Now all he had to do is patiently wait for someone to come along later satisfying all the needs of the woman trapped inside Peter.

Peter laughed when he thought about being a woman, he knew he was least feminine by nature, though he had the eyes of his mother, his voice had already grown deep. Much of a deep tone like some women like but he wasn’t meant for women. His attraction for men only grew stronger day by day. Until one day when…